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Things Women Say and What They Really Mean

Renuka Savant
When a 'yes' means 'no', a 'no' means 'no', and a maybe also means a 'no', you do know you are at the receiving end of "womantalk".
For a handy guide in deciphering the toughest codes known to 'man'kind, look no further.
A short quiz before we proceed:
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The language what we'll refer to as Womenese is a homogeneous language, widely spoken in the world by the female specimen of the human species.
It is never taught to any of those speaking it. In fact, every female develops her own version of Womenese as she begins to grow.

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Strangely enough, this language has blossomed among females all around the world.

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It is only of late that rest of the population (read:males) have begun to compile the most commonly used sentences and phrases, in an attempt to grasp knowledge of this peculiar tongue.
Along similar lines, here is a bunch of sentences and phrases in Womenese, completely and correctly translated to English, for your perusal.
Guide to Basic Womenese
Variations: It's fine/We're fine/Fine/FINE.

'Fine' when used, means the exact opposite as in plain English (especially when followed by door slamming, phone banging, cold silence, or a beatific smile).
"I'm fine".
It indicates that nothing is fine. It signals a temporary halt in communication, or a temporary closure to the ongoing discussion.

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Notice the stress on 'temporary', because the said conflict will be filed in the female speaker's head for eternity, waiting to be recalled, cited, and sprung upon the unsuspecting male when he least expects it.
In the event of 'fine' being used to signal the end of an argument, do not ever make the ghastly mistake of assuming that the female has accepted defeat. Reread the previous paragraph to know how to interpret it.
"Go ahead."
Variations: Sure, why not?/Yeah, okay/Hmm, sure/Do what you want.

Drop whatever you were about to do, and stay rooted to your spot, but only if the woman saying this matters to you. If not, this is your cue to get right out of her life.
This is a tricky command, and the man usually ends up falling for it. It is used to challenge the man to do something the woman clearly disapproves. Now, it is up to the man to keep his ears open for the said expression and avoid misery that is sure to follow.
"You don't love me like you used to."
Variations: Do you love me?/Do you still love me?/I don't think you love me anymore.
Ah! Expect a sizable dent in your wallet as Womenese dictionary translates this as-

"I've been feeling ignored lately. I'm beginning to suspect there's someone else in your life. Get me a neat looking diamond(s), if you know what's good for you.
Or else..."

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Variations: May be used with the prefix "Baby".

Warning: The woman using this expression has...
  • banged your car someplace.
"How much do you love me?"
  • lost/damaged something valuable you gave her.
  • spent a ridiculous amount of (your) money on something you'd surely disapprove of.
  • done something that needs to be fixed or accepted by you.

Now go figure it out.
Variations: It will only take me a minute/I just need to decide which shoes I'm going to wear.
"I'll be ready in a flash!"
Those in the know of the comic book character Flash will be acquainted with his speed that gave him his name. But the character Flash being a 'he', interprets the meaning of flash to mean 'quick'.
Unfortunately in Womenese, this word when used in this context, measures up to anywhere upwards of half an hour. Building up patience over the years is the only way to deal with this situation.
Variations: None.

Mistake number one: You understand this to be a question.
Mistake number two: Confounding that it is, you take your sweet time to formulate an (appropriate) answer.
Mistake number three: You respond with, "Uh... I don't know."
"Where is this relationship going?"
When according to Womenese, this isn't even a question. The female in question is making a not-so-veiled attempt to get you to put a ring on her.
The ball is in your court.
Variations: None.

An impending relationship milestone like anniversary or birthday or Valentine's Day may trigger a conversation where you ask the woman what gift she wants.
"But I already have everything!"
And this response follows. If you get happy, too bad. If you follow it and get her nothing, you're practically dead.

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So, if you wish to live, consider these scenarios, and follow the one applicable to you -
• "I have dropped several hints regarding the gift(s) I want. If they haven't registered, God help you."

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• "If I haven't dropped hints, I want you to surprise me with something fabulous."

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• "If you need help in this area, talk to my bestie and/or my sister."
Short Answers to the Most Baffling Questions Asked in Chaste Womenese
Do you still find me attractive?➩ Yes

Will you still love me the same if I get fat?➩ Yes (Just say yes for now)

You like my haircut?➩ Yes

Do you think she's hot?➩ No

Are you seeing someone else?➩ No

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Am I looking older?➩ No

Does this dress make me look fat? (Or anything that ends with "... make me look fat?")➩ No
Some More Quick Translations
Where are you????➩ Why aren't you right here?

I'm sorry.➩ Say you're sorry.

We need to talk.➩ I need to crib about you.
You look so manly.➩ You're stinking like a locker room. Go take a shower. And shave while you're there. And get a haircut after that. And wear clean clothes.

You decide...➩ You'd better do as I say.

I bought it on sale.➩ It was very expensive.
Turn off the lights, baby.➩ I have body image issues.

I told you, I'm not upset.➩ I'm very, very upset.

I want you to communicate better.➩ I want you to keep agreeing with what I say.
Here's the conclusion in straight, simple English - goodbye and good luck.